What if there is no end?

I'm sorry for not updating this last week.. I just seem to be having one of those weeks where nothing actually matters. Like when you suddenly realise that all you seem to be doing is existing & there is no other purpose.

I'm having a hard time at the moment. I can't seem to do anything without the push of herculean strength from my brain attempting to kickstart me into doing something. I can't seem to do anything right & at night, sleep reminds me of another day of disappointment ahead.

All life wants to do is kick me squarely in the hojoes & laugh.. & I know everyday that it is coming, yet I find myself just standing there & letting it happen. Sometimes I hate myself.. But my friends say 'you look so bouncy all the time'.. yep, that's me.. I'm always alright, not allowed to have some time off, because if I am not alright then who can be.

I hear people say 'once you have hitten bottom, you can go no further', well, what if you can? That each layer is taken from under your feet & the end is nowhere in sight as it is infinite.. & your enduring is the reminder of your existence on this planet & the depth you have yet to fall.

I just can't seem to shake it off. I need some good news. I need something that will lighten this hole I am in, a hand hold to get myself out of it. But all I see is darkness & nothing else. It has taken me all this time to write this, because I don't want to speak to anyone.. I am a failure & I don't want to be reminded of it, that I have no hope & no possibility of being something.

It feels like I am trapped & there is no rescue, just the darkness. My own voice is being drowned out by the sounds that the darkness brings, the pain of knowing I can't succeed.

& all the time, I ask myself.. What if there is no end?

Weigh In

Lost 4.5lb this week.. Am now up to 40.5lb lost in total. Finally getting back in control again.. Not long before I have lost the remainder of the weight I put on 3 weeks ago :D

So am feeling confident again, which means a lot at the moment. Had a lovely tea, courtesy of the local priest.. He has a friend who fishes for salmon up in scotland & he couldn't eat all of it, so he kindly brought some round. 3 big fillets of fresh salmon.. So cooked tea & shared it with my mum :)

Had a healthy day, despite it being weigh in also.

Let us see what the week brings this time..

Dough!

Well, the pizza was to die for.. I was unsure if I should have gone with the Moroccan (Tender lamb, red onions ,diced mango, mozzarella and tomato, fresh mint and a cool yoghurt sauce) or the Chilli Beef (Thin sliced strips of steak, red onions, mozzarella, tomato, mint, coriander and grapes) pizza, so when I asked the waitress for her advice, she said both were nice, so would I like 50/50.. & let me tell you, it was music to my tastebuds :D

The Moroccan side was lovely & smooth, the mango was soft & was easy to spread on the little slices of pizza I cut.. & the Chili Beef was spicy, but not too much & the grapes made it nice & sweet.

Hand made, baked pizza.. About the size of the plate, base was thin but crispy & overall, it looked & tasted lovely. (Just to point out, I'm not getting paid for this blog by the way hee hee)

I estimated the pizza to be 10 points, possibly 15 maximum, as there was no cheddar cheese, what cheese there was was mozzarella & the sauce was nicely applied but not thick..

Oh, Monsters Vs Aliens was hilarious.. It is now up there with my other favourite animations.. So a good day out all round really :D

Have had a good day today, ate well & not felt hungry all day to be honest, just debating what to have for snackage.. I have 3 points left & contemplating fruit.. I bought some clementines yesterday & I love them so much!! Always have loved oranges..

Oh & an interesting thing I did last friday that I didn't mention.. I bought some multipack crisps, but have always left them in the pack.. I read that if left in the pack they came in then you are more at risk of over snacking on them. So I removed them from the large pack & put the small bags in a bowl.. Amazingly it works, as I have crisps left. It's the small things that help sometimes.

Right, off to get my fruit x

The Timing Of Tragedy..

Don't worry, the title is not a tragedy as others may percieve. It isn't a 'Oooh a red button, Earth goes Kablooie!' tragedy.. More of aftershocks that seem to be always arriving to attempt to sabotage what little victories I can find.

Why is it that when I manage to get my eating back on track, or my life for that matter, something comes along to try to sabotage it? Does it wait around the corner & attempt to hijack these moments of serenity or nicety?

Either way, that tragedian fecker is not going to ruin anything.. I refuse to get upset. I refuse to sabotage my diet for the sake of some bad news. So I have been jolly good at the moment, eating healthy & sticking to my points, it would be so easy to go out & stuff my face, call it a 'sticky day' & start again after the weekend, but what would be the point in that? & it wouldn't stop at Midnight tonight either, that's for sure.

I had a really nice meal yesterday from Marks & Spencers (for all you US readers, if any, it is a British store that do awful clothes but great food hee hee), it was the Count On Us Range, which is using Weight Watchers points.. Now it is overpriced, but I had the most lovely Thai Green Curry with rice (it had runner beans, sugar snap peas red chillies, baby corn, & chicken in it), the only sour part was the £3.99p tag on the price! But it was too die for & only 6.5 points.

I go to my friends all day saturday & it is so easy to fall into the trap of snacking when playing on the xbox 360.. So I took plenty of fruit, crisps & yoghurts to keep me amused & didn't feel hungry all day.

Am going to watch Monsters Vs Aliens in about 3 hours, but before we go, we are going to this new place opened up in Manchester City Centre called 'Dough'

http://www.doughpizzakitchen.co.uk

& have some mega nice pizzas.. As it says on the site, they care about the base as well as the topping, so you can have a choice of different sauces also.. I am going to try & stick within the points by mixing up the bases & toppings to get a optimal but healthy pizza.. Yum!

So am going to go now & get ready.. Was only meant to make this short.

I will report back about the pizza later :D

Weigh In

Well, I put on half a pound this week.. No surprise really, but I thought I had put on much more than that so am relieved.. Still will not allow it to get me down as the fault is mine alone.

But I went for a really good walk today, it was lovely & sunny.. the canals of manchester are truly awesome & I always use them. It is a shame that some of the canals are hardly used or admired, these are amazing engineering feats, not to mention wonderful to walk down & I never get tired of walking along them.

Still, the manchester network of canals is vast & I have planned out many a route for me & my friend so we get some good views & exercise.. I love this weather!!

Am going to play with my new laptop now.. Am still trying to figure things out..

Being inquisitive is fun x