Tuesday, 21 April 2009

What if there is no end?

I'm sorry for not updating this last week.. I just seem to be having one of those weeks where nothing actually matters. Like when you suddenly realise that all you seem to be doing is existing & there is no other purpose.

I'm having a hard time at the moment. I can't seem to do anything without the push of herculean strength from my brain attempting to kickstart me into doing something. I can't seem to do anything right & at night, sleep reminds me of another day of disappointment ahead.

All life wants to do is kick me squarely in the hojoes & laugh.. & I know everyday that it is coming, yet I find myself just standing there & letting it happen. Sometimes I hate myself.. But my friends say 'you look so bouncy all the time'.. yep, that's me.. I'm always alright, not allowed to have some time off, because if I am not alright then who can be.

I hear people say 'once you have hitten bottom, you can go no further', well, what if you can? That each layer is taken from under your feet & the end is nowhere in sight as it is infinite.. & your enduring is the reminder of your existence on this planet & the depth you have yet to fall.

I just can't seem to shake it off. I need some good news. I need something that will lighten this hole I am in, a hand hold to get myself out of it. But all I see is darkness & nothing else. It has taken me all this time to write this, because I don't want to speak to anyone.. I am a failure & I don't want to be reminded of it, that I have no hope & no possibility of being something.

It feels like I am trapped & there is no rescue, just the darkness. My own voice is being drowned out by the sounds that the darkness brings, the pain of knowing I can't succeed.

& all the time, I ask myself.. What if there is no end?

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Weigh In

Lost 4.5lb this week.. Am now up to 40.5lb lost in total. Finally getting back in control again.. Not long before I have lost the remainder of the weight I put on 3 weeks ago :D

So am feeling confident again, which means a lot at the moment. Had a lovely tea, courtesy of the local priest.. He has a friend who fishes for salmon up in scotland & he couldn't eat all of it, so he kindly brought some round. 3 big fillets of fresh salmon.. So cooked tea & shared it with my mum :)

Had a healthy day, despite it being weigh in also.

Let us see what the week brings this time..

Monday, 6 April 2009


Well, the pizza was to die for.. I was unsure if I should have gone with the Moroccan (Tender lamb, red onions ,diced mango, mozzarella and tomato, fresh mint and a cool yoghurt sauce) or the Chilli Beef (Thin sliced strips of steak, red onions, mozzarella, tomato, mint, coriander and grapes) pizza, so when I asked the waitress for her advice, she said both were nice, so would I like 50/50.. & let me tell you, it was music to my tastebuds :D

The Moroccan side was lovely & smooth, the mango was soft & was easy to spread on the little slices of pizza I cut.. & the Chili Beef was spicy, but not too much & the grapes made it nice & sweet.

Hand made, baked pizza.. About the size of the plate, base was thin but crispy & overall, it looked & tasted lovely. (Just to point out, I'm not getting paid for this blog by the way hee hee)

I estimated the pizza to be 10 points, possibly 15 maximum, as there was no cheddar cheese, what cheese there was was mozzarella & the sauce was nicely applied but not thick..

Oh, Monsters Vs Aliens was hilarious.. It is now up there with my other favourite animations.. So a good day out all round really :D

Have had a good day today, ate well & not felt hungry all day to be honest, just debating what to have for snackage.. I have 3 points left & contemplating fruit.. I bought some clementines yesterday & I love them so much!! Always have loved oranges..

Oh & an interesting thing I did last friday that I didn't mention.. I bought some multipack crisps, but have always left them in the pack.. I read that if left in the pack they came in then you are more at risk of over snacking on them. So I removed them from the large pack & put the small bags in a bowl.. Amazingly it works, as I have crisps left. It's the small things that help sometimes.

Right, off to get my fruit x

Sunday, 5 April 2009

The Timing Of Tragedy..

Don't worry, the title is not a tragedy as others may percieve. It isn't a 'Oooh a red button, Earth goes Kablooie!' tragedy.. More of aftershocks that seem to be always arriving to attempt to sabotage what little victories I can find.

Why is it that when I manage to get my eating back on track, or my life for that matter, something comes along to try to sabotage it? Does it wait around the corner & attempt to hijack these moments of serenity or nicety?

Either way, that tragedian fecker is not going to ruin anything.. I refuse to get upset. I refuse to sabotage my diet for the sake of some bad news. So I have been jolly good at the moment, eating healthy & sticking to my points, it would be so easy to go out & stuff my face, call it a 'sticky day' & start again after the weekend, but what would be the point in that? & it wouldn't stop at Midnight tonight either, that's for sure.

I had a really nice meal yesterday from Marks & Spencers (for all you US readers, if any, it is a British store that do awful clothes but great food hee hee), it was the Count On Us Range, which is using Weight Watchers points.. Now it is overpriced, but I had the most lovely Thai Green Curry with rice (it had runner beans, sugar snap peas red chillies, baby corn, & chicken in it), the only sour part was the £3.99p tag on the price! But it was too die for & only 6.5 points.

I go to my friends all day saturday & it is so easy to fall into the trap of snacking when playing on the xbox 360.. So I took plenty of fruit, crisps & yoghurts to keep me amused & didn't feel hungry all day.

Am going to watch Monsters Vs Aliens in about 3 hours, but before we go, we are going to this new place opened up in Manchester City Centre called 'Dough'


& have some mega nice pizzas.. As it says on the site, they care about the base as well as the topping, so you can have a choice of different sauces also.. I am going to try & stick within the points by mixing up the bases & toppings to get a optimal but healthy pizza.. Yum!

So am going to go now & get ready.. Was only meant to make this short.

I will report back about the pizza later :D

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Weigh In

Well, I put on half a pound this week.. No surprise really, but I thought I had put on much more than that so am relieved.. Still will not allow it to get me down as the fault is mine alone.

But I went for a really good walk today, it was lovely & sunny.. the canals of manchester are truly awesome & I always use them. It is a shame that some of the canals are hardly used or admired, these are amazing engineering feats, not to mention wonderful to walk down & I never get tired of walking along them.

Still, the manchester network of canals is vast & I have planned out many a route for me & my friend so we get some good views & exercise.. I love this weather!!

Am going to play with my new laptop now.. Am still trying to figure things out..

Being inquisitive is fun x