I'm sorry for not updating this last week.. I just seem to be having one of those weeks where nothing actually matters. Like when you suddenly realise that all you seem to be doing is existing & there is no other purpose.
I'm having a hard time at the moment. I can't seem to do anything without the push of herculean strength from my brain attempting to kickstart me into doing something. I can't seem to do anything right & at night, sleep reminds me of another day of disappointment ahead.
All life wants to do is kick me squarely in the hojoes & laugh.. & I know everyday that it is coming, yet I find myself just standing there & letting it happen. Sometimes I hate myself.. But my friends say 'you look so bouncy all the time'.. yep, that's me.. I'm always alright, not allowed to have some time off, because if I am not alright then who can be.
I hear people say 'once you have hitten bottom, you can go no further', well, what if you can? That each layer is taken from under your feet & the end is nowhere in sight as it is infinite.. & your enduring is the reminder of your existence on this planet & the depth you have yet to fall.
I just can't seem to shake it off. I need some good news. I need something that will lighten this hole I am in, a hand hold to get myself out of it. But all I see is darkness & nothing else. It has taken me all this time to write this, because I don't want to speak to anyone.. I am a failure & I don't want to be reminded of it, that I have no hope & no possibility of being something.
It feels like I am trapped & there is no rescue, just the darkness. My own voice is being drowned out by the sounds that the darkness brings, the pain of knowing I can't succeed.
& all the time, I ask myself.. What if there is no end?