I'm sorry for not updating this last week.. I just seem to be having one of those weeks where nothing actually matters. Like when you suddenly realise that all you seem to be doing is existing & there is no other purpose.
I'm having a hard time at the moment. I can't seem to do anything without the push of herculean strength from my brain attempting to kickstart me into doing something. I can't seem to do anything right & at night, sleep reminds me of another day of disappointment ahead.
All life wants to do is kick me squarely in the hojoes & laugh.. & I know everyday that it is coming, yet I find myself just standing there & letting it happen. Sometimes I hate myself.. But my friends say 'you look so bouncy all the time'.. yep, that's me.. I'm always alright, not allowed to have some time off, because if I am not alright then who can be.
I hear people say 'once you have hitten bottom, you can go no further', well, what if you can? That each layer is taken from under your feet & the end is nowhere in sight as it is infinite.. & your enduring is the reminder of your existence on this planet & the depth you have yet to fall.
I just can't seem to shake it off. I need some good news. I need something that will lighten this hole I am in, a hand hold to get myself out of it. But all I see is darkness & nothing else. It has taken me all this time to write this, because I don't want to speak to anyone.. I am a failure & I don't want to be reminded of it, that I have no hope & no possibility of being something.
It feels like I am trapped & there is no rescue, just the darkness. My own voice is being drowned out by the sounds that the darkness brings, the pain of knowing I can't succeed.
& all the time, I ask myself.. What if there is no end?
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Bry, after staring at the screen for a few minutes, I just want to say, please, please take a couple of minutes for yourself, okay maybe an hour :) And take these thoughts to your Doctor, my initial post which I deleted was the rah rah rah you can do this, there is light at the end of the tunnel etc. etc. But when I reread I really think that you need to chat with your doctor, we all need a hand up sometimes in our lives to get out of a funk.
ReplyDeleteIf that isn't an option, keep posting! Writing out how you are feeling does great things for your mind to be able to see things more clearly.
I hope I have put the words from my mind to type in a semi logical way :S
Big hugs from me to you :)
There is nothing anybody can say- which doesnt give you much help..
ReplyDeleteIts true that most people will feel down at some point in their life- I for one can be the darkest person, and I will not speak to anybody.. Its tough bottling things up- but u made a good decision to post something on here.. I have an annoymous blog were I type random, depressed, crazy stuff at times..Somewhere I can open up without feeling like Im letting too much of my guard down..
People see me as jolly, happy go lucky person- And at times I am, and other times I wished I was that person..
Please, cry, write, scream if you have to..But dont bottle up :)
And, try to focus on the positives- all the good you do or have done.. How much you would be missed in this world..
Its hard to put into words really what I would like to say to you..
But, I know how you feel xx
Hey Bry, just checkin' in on you. I agree 100% with Lisa and Lana's comments above. You are so worth the effort. We all feel like failures at one point or another. We've all been in this dark place and wondered the same things. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you Bry.